My dad died and left more money to my brothers' kids
Hi Mark,
My dad passed away six months ago and in his will, he specified that he would like to leave the grandchildren a sum of money each. What has upset me, is that he has left my brother's children a larger sum than he has my own. I feel that this is unfair and that he has favoured my brother's children more than he has mine, which has also put some resentment between us as a family. My children are 18 months and 3 years old and my brothers are 18 and 21 years old. I know that there is a difference in age but I feel this shouldn't matter...Please help
'Marks Response'
Money is something that you just cannot let get hold of you. If you're always thinking to yourself that you want what other people have got, then you're never going to focus on the things that you've got already right in front of you.
I'll tell you a story: my ex misses... (I seem to start off all these stories with my ex misses, but she was in my life for a long time, so understand that most of the things that I did in my past, relate to her)... So my Ex misses mum, my Ex mother-in-law was so fixated on money and what other people had, that it disgusted me. She was the kind of person who would put down a new rug in the hallway if she thought someone new, who she had to impress, was coming around the house. Then, as soon as they had left, she would roll up the new rug, put it back in its plastic bag, and put the old one back down; or just to help with your imagination a little bit more, she was the kind of person who had two front rooms, one for the family to sit in and one for guest to sit in, so it was always pristine and never used. You know the type I'm talking about!
So my ex-mother-in-law's mum wanted to sell her house in London, as it was getting too much to maintain and from selling it she would walk away with, say... £300,000. This is after buying herself a little ground floor flat to enjoy the rest of her days in. Because of inheritance tax and all these kind of bits and pieces that greed comes into play when you inherit property and money from your family, the mum decided to give the three daughters £100,000 each. This was to sit in a joint account, so they couldn't just spend it when they wanted to; they would need her to also agree for any money to be withdrawn out of it. Now, at some point one of the three daughters became ill and asked if she could have access to some of the money, you know, to cover bills and normal day to day cost. I think she had been diagnosed with some sort of brain tumor or something like that. Anyway, something that stopped her from working and was putting a strain on the family life.
Now, because my ex-mother-in-law was so obsessed with money and often she felt someone else was getting something she wasn't. She would constantly cause arguments between the entire family so that they ended up not speaking to each other. Remember that this was all because of a stupid point of view, where she thought that the sister getting Money before she was. Now from my point of view, I found this absolutely crazy and disgusting. The fact that she would put her own mum in the middle of this situation when in reality it was actually her mum's money in the first place and if she decided to flush it down the loo or give it to a donkey sanctuary, it would be her decision and her decision only. Not to even mention the fact her own sister was very poorly.
She even prevented her mum from updating the bathroom in her new flat to a walk-in shower, because she didn't see it as a good investment and she thought it would use too much of the money her mum had put in the joint account for her. Remember, this is a woman in her eighties that found it hard to climb in and out of a bath to clean herself and all she wanted was to use some of her own money to help with that problem.
Ask yourself what you would have done in this situation?
What is your side on this? That the money was the mother-in-law? Just because it was already in a joint account and partly in her name. OR do you feel it is rightfully her mother's? And that the mum could choose to do whatever she wished with her own money? This will help you in understanding that the money your dad left you was absolutely his choice and his choice alone.
Your children are 18 months and 3 years old. Would you give them the same gifts on their next birthdays and then the same again when they're 18 and 21? OR is it the fact that you yourself feel that you have missed out on the money? To an 18 and 21 year old, this will be something useful to get them started on adult life. To an 18 month and a 3-year-old, unless you put it in a nest egg for them, it will be squandered away on daily upkeep and life, so that they won't even realise what they had. Or most importantly, what they missed out on if they didn't.
Until people understand the overwhelming problem with greed, they will let it constantly consume their lives. This is why it's not a good idea to look on social media. Following people that promote their lives on social media is not even worth taking a blind bit of notice of. This is because all they're doing is trying to create a jealousy between you and them; which makes you want what they've got; which makes you feel they're better than you; which makes you think to yourself 'I want to be them'. When really, you don't want to be them at all you want to be you! Let your brother and his children get on with their lives and hopefully, at some point, you can overcome these feelings of resentment and jealousy, and at some point, you may be able to be a family unit again. Remember that you should be morning your father's death more than anything and not letting these thoughts scare any memories you may have relating to him and your brother.