I've been cheating for the last three years

by Mark
2 years ago

Hi Mark,

For these last three years, I've been cheating on my husband. I now feel so guilty about this affair, it's making me ill. I'm 37 and my husband is 38. We have two young girls of 9 and 6. Three years ago, my sister and best friend died in a car accident and at the funeral, I bumped into a old school friend. After the funeral he wrote me a lovely letter and it brought all the good memories of us together as teenagers and how we both had feelings for each other back then. He was two years older than me, but neither of us acted on these feelings as we were both young and too shy.

We started to exchange texts and he eventually asked if I would be interested in meeting him for lunch. We did and then very quickly I started to think about him more and more and always looked forward to his messages and our lunch arrangements.

After a short time of this, the relationship took on more of a sexual nature and we proceeded to meet up once a month, at a local hotel, for sex. Before lockdown hit, we had arranged to go away for a long weekend break together and I had already made my excuses to my husband, as I pretend that I'm part of a crafting group and I would be going away with the girls for a crafting weekend, so he wouldn't be suspicious at all.

After a month into lockdown, I realised that our affair must end, as it hit me that we have no future together. This is because neither one of us want to leave our partners and break the family units up. I haven't told my lover this yet, but I think he can sense that I'm being distant. I've made my excuses about why I'm not able to see him, even though I think about him 24 -7 and can't eat or sleep and feel so miserable all the time. I want to get past these horrible feelings, but I have no one I can talk to about my guilty secret. Please help

'Marks response'

Hi there, a three-year affair, in my eyes, is not an affair. From what you've told me, it sounds like you're in love with this person and I would really like to know if it's you or him that refuses to leave their partner. Love starts in the most unexpected of ways and it can make us do all kinds of things, that we wouldn't normally choose to do. I think if you could bottle love, on the warnings it would state: not to be taken when in vulnerable situations or when in charge of machinery!

I don't condone cheating on your partner and I don't think there's any excuse that you can give me, for me to tell you it's ok and just go back to your normal life and forget about it. But as with everything in life, the situations - scenarios and circumstances we get ourselves in, sometimes can't be helped. Losing your sister and best friend would have been a very hard time for you to come to terms with. That much-needed shoulder to cry on just happened to be an old memory from when you were a teenager. A teenager, with pent up hormonal emotions and probably a sexually frustrated imagination to add to it all.

I'm not sure how your relationship with your husband is or was at the time when you needed this shoulder, but it seems to me that he obviously doesn't give you everything you need or you wouldn't have found yourself in this scenario you seem to be in now.

Ask yourself, if your lover were to come to you and say he is going to leave his partner for you and that he wants to start a new life, together with you and him. What would you say? Would you say no to this, or would you accept this new path that you and him would take together in life? If the answer is no, you love your husband and that this affair as you call it, is just for the sexual gratification you get, then delete this person out of your life right now, don't even send him a message to tell him you're doing this; delete his number; delete his friends request on all social media and erase all memories of you and him out of your mind. This will be hard and from what you've said, it seems that you're struggling with this decision already. In my experience though, women don't tend to have affairs. When I say affairs, I mean in the sense of just sleeping with someone just for sex and the excitement they get. Women tend to start off in affairs, but with the intention of it turning into something else. Just a heads up to any man possibly reading this and in the situation of thinking your wife is having an affair; if you think it's an affair and not just a one-off time, then you've got problems (email me and we'll talk).

If I was to bet (and I'm not a betting man), I would bet that even without the fact that you lost two close people in your life, you have something missing and that your husband, although, probably a lovely man and good father, isn't enough for you. I think you've fallen in love with this person and if the scenario above was to happen, you would jump in his arms and run hand in hand with him down the new path he would offer you and your children! If I'm right and the answer is yes, then regardless if your lover would leave his partner for you, you shouldn't let your husband continue to think that you two are soul mates, as his may still be out there waiting for him!

It comes down to what makes you happy in life. There are to many people walking paths that they don't wish to. They put a brave face to it because they think that's what is expected of them and it's too hard to change the things around them. I think whatever decision you make, it will always come down to time. Time for feelings to get lost in forgotten memories or time for you to actually be honest with yourself and think that you only have one life and one life to live. Try not to take too long about what you definitely want to do, as you have already wasted three years of living a lie and your husband will eventually start to sense the things around him! Even if you are good at covering up these lies.

I wish you luck in your decision and the strength to make the right one.