Caught my wife in bed, with another man

by Mark
2 years ago

Hi Mark,

After visiting my mum overnight as lock-down eased, I came home to find my wife with another man in our bed. Before we could talk about it, my wife packed a bag and left me. I’m gutted. She is 32 and I’m 38. She was devastated when her job in a cafe stopped because of Covid and she wasn’t entitled to furlough. I could understand that but her behaviour was odd, often going out for hours at a time. I’d ring her with no reply.

I was horrified to discover she was cheating on me. When the other man left, I said: “You’ve been having an affair all along.” She yelled, “No, it was just sex!” then she packed a case and fled to her sister’s. I don’t want to throw away our marriage.

'Marks response'

The hard thing about being in this situation, is you will have lost all trust in her now and what you thought was a good marriage. But, with all things, this doesn't mean it has to be the end. You say you don't want to lose her or throw away your marriage, so the only option you have, is to sit down and talk it through. You do need to prepare yourself for what she might say though, as from what you've said, I feel this may of been going on for longer than you might think.

When and if she does want to sit down with you, she may confirm that it was only sex and not an affair as you thought. If this is true, you then need to ask yourself why would she need to do this? What’s your sex life like? do you think it’s good or do you yourself have some issues with it?

As with everything in life, there's always a reason for things we do. Sometimes these reasons can be so hard to admit to, that we cover them up with half truths, as to not let peoples feelings be hurt! Let’s go down the route that it’s true, she was just having sex and that it was because she wasn't satisfied with what she was getting out of your relationship. Or, is this man is just one of many that she's had over the years and it's something she enjoys doing because of the possibility of being caught!How would you feel about this? Would you still want to continue the relationship?

Regardless of the answer, there's going to be hundreds of things running through your head at this moment and probably none of them the real reason for this to happen. What you need to do first is to ask yourself what you can accept, and what you can't. Once you have this answer, you will then be able to start building a relationship again, but remember this relationship will be, and should be, completely different to the one before.

As I said though, be prepared for what she might have to say. She may want to use this as a reason to finish the relationship and move on to something new in her life. Sometimes people do things so that they give the other person a reason to break things off, even though they're the ones that should make that decision, but just don't have what it takes to do so. I know of a few people that have made sure that they would be caught having an affair, just so their partner would leave them. What she needs to know, is that you don't want this to happen and that you want to try and get through it together. The trust will eventually come back, but it will take time and for both of you to move on and be truly honest with what you both want out of life.

Good luck